Monday, October 1, 2012

New Shoes, I Will Hunt You Down

A few words of warning to size 11 shoes everywhere: No matter where you hide, no matter how far I have to travel, I will find you, I will lace you up, and I will purchase you. There’s no escape.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Who Do I Have to Kill to Get a Cheese Danish Around Here?

Look, if the Cloud City Bake Shoppe can keep an endless supply of poppy seed bagels, how the hell does a downtown Dunkin’ Donuts location run out of Apple Cheese Danishes? And then the guy behind the counter suggested I try a Poppy Seed Bagel. I responded by suggesting that he stick his head in the croissant warmer, set it to “scorch beyond recognition,” and then box up a dozen glazed Munchkins. He failed to do the first two parts.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012


After hearing Bossk and Dengar talk about all the chicks they got from online dating, I finally broke down and set up an account with Mothers, hide your daughters.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Restarting My Acting Career

I first caught the acting bug when my dad took me to the Kamino Community Children’s Theater for a production of “Annie Get Your Blaster.” However, my theater career was cut short when my voice coach said I was flat and my dad’s head got cut off by Mace Windu.

But I'm ready to start acting again. And whatever I lack in talent I'll more than make up for with my stunning good looks. If that fails, I'll just adopt a catchphrase like "Hotchy Motchy!" or "Get It Accomplished!"

Thursday, January 12, 2012

My Best Haircut Ever

Showing off the new do.
Tracking a perp down halfway across the galaxy for money is not easy. It’s even harder giving that money to a 20-something-year-old skank at Super Cuts who’s just going to distractedly buzz me while talking about her stupid granddaughter.

I spared myself the torture and invested in a set of clippers. Not to honk my own horn, but I think this haircut kind of makes me look like Skeet Ulrich.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Check Out My New Ride

Picture me rollin'...
Despite the love I have for my original Slave I ship (I actually lost my virginity in the backseat of that thing), my newest ride is by far the best of them all.

Now, I’ll admit a Prius may not strike quite as much fear into the hearts of my enemies, but it’s totally going to impress that checkout girl at Trader Joe’s.

And for whatever reason, it seems like a lot of black people on earth are really offended by my license plate. I should probably get around to reading about this planet’s history sometime…